Buying a purse for your wife seems like it ought to be fairly simple.
Find something pretty. Make sure it's a color she likes. Pay for it. Wrap it up. Congratulations, you've successfully purchased a gift.
Except there's a pretty good chance you've overlooked a few things.
Now, I don't know how it happens, but some women seem capable of fitting everything short of a spare tire into their purses.
You ask your wife where something is, and she says, "Bring me my purse."
So you bring it over, and she begins her expedition into the great abyss. There's a wallet, keys, sunglasses, receipts from three months ago, a pen that may or may not work, and about fourteen other things you didn't even know were in there.
At some point, you start wondering whether you should get her a flashlight and a rope.
And somehow, she finds exactly what you were looking for.
Which brings me to something I've learned about buying a purse. There's a difference between a bag that can hold everything and one where you can actually find anything.
And if you're thinking about buying your wife a handmade quilted tote bag, there's a little more to consider than whether the fabric is pretty.
Will it hold what she carries? Are the straps long enough to fit comfortably over her shoulder? Does she prefer a bag that stands up on its own, or one that's soft and flexible? Does she like interior pockets to help organize everything in there? And perhaps most importantly, is this the kind of bag she'd choose for herself?
Those are questions you probably ought to answer before congratulating yourself on your excellent taste.
Now, I'm not claiming to be some kind of handbag expert. I'm a husband, and my wife Patricia makes the quilted bags here at Elam & Co. in San Antonio, Texas.
Watching her work has taught me that there's a lot more to a good tote bag than a pretty piece of fabric and a couple of handles.
And if you're buying one for someone you love, those little details can make the difference between a bag she admires and a bag she actually uses.
So, gentlemen, here's what I've learned.
First, Pay Attention to the Bag She Already Carries
Before you start shopping, do a little investigating.
And no, I'm not suggesting you start rummaging through your wife's purse. Depending on your household, that could be a dangerous undertaking, so proceed with caution.
I'm suggesting you look at the outside of it.
Is it a large tote that seems to accompany her everywhere? Something smaller that hangs from one shoulder? Does she prefer neutral colors, or does she carry bags with flowers, patterns, and decorative details? You know, what some of us guys might call frou-frou stuff, as if we don't have a garage full of things we absolutely had to have.
You don't have to understand every reason she likes a particular bag. You just need to notice what she actually chooses to carry.
Here's something else worth considering: are you trying to replace a bag she uses every day, or give her something different for occasions when she'd enjoy carrying something special?
Those are two very different gifts.
The safest approach isn't necessarily to buy something identical to what she already owns. It's to understand what she likes about it before you choose something new.
Pretty Matters. So Does Being Able to Find Her Keys.
Guys, if we can carry it in a Home Depot bucket, we're good, right? But I think most husbands understand that a purse needs to look nice and carry things.
And those things add up.
Before buying a handmade quilted tote bag, look at its actual dimensions. Check the width, height, depth, and size of the opening.
If your wife regularly carries books, a tablet, or a large wallet, make sure the bag can accommodate them.
Pay attention to the interior, too.
Does it have pockets? Is there a lining? Is the top open, or does it have a closure?
And don't assume a decorative bow near the opening means the bag closes. Sometimes a bow is just a bow.
If the product listing doesn't show the inside of the bag, ask for a photograph. It's a perfectly reasonable question, especially when you're buying a gift.
An exterior pocket can also be useful for things she wants to reach without digging through the main compartment. Our Vintage Damask Quilted Market Tote, for example, has a front pocket for keeping smaller items close at hand.
Because a beautiful bag that's impossible to organize may not be the thoughtful gift you intended.
The Handles Aren't Just Decoration
Here's something I probably wouldn't have thought much about before Patricia started making bags.
Handle length matters.
A lot.
If your wife prefers carrying her purse over her shoulder, make sure the straps are designed for that. A bag with short handles might look wonderful in a photograph but be awkward for someone who prefers keeping both hands free.
Handle width, material, and attachment also deserve attention.
Our Vintage Damask Quilted Market Tote, for example, has wide cream-colored handles that contrast with its charcoal grey and blush pink damask fabric.
Our Old Glory Ruffle Market Tote uses wide navy handles to go with its patriotic design.
But don't assume a wide strap automatically means a bag will be comfortable for everyone or suitable for carrying unlimited weight.
The sensible thing is to check how the bag is intended to be carried and whether that matches the person receiving it.
Here's What I've Learned About Quilting
Not every bag with a diamond pattern is made the same way.
For Patricia's diamond-quilted bags, she measures and marks the quilting grid herself, then guides the material through her sewing machine.
And the materials underneath the surface matter, too.
Different batting and interfacing choices can affect how soft or structured a finished bag feels. Some totes are flexible, while others are designed to hold a more defined shape.
Neither is automatically better.
If your wife likes a bag that maintains its shape, look for one with that kind of construction. If she prefers something soft and flexible, that's worth considering instead.
We've explained Patricia's process in more detail in What Makes a Bag Hand-Quilted? A Look Inside Our Process.
You don't need to become an expert in quilting to buy a good tote.
But knowing that the stitching and materials affect more than appearance can help you ask better questions.
Don't Buy Your Favorite Bag. Buy Hers.
This may be the most important advice in the entire article.
Just because you like a particular design doesn't mean your wife will.
Take two bags Patricia makes.
The Vintage Damask Quilted Market Tote combines a blush pink damask pattern on charcoal grey fabric with diamond quilting, cream handles, a grey-and-white polka dot tie closure, and an exterior front pocket.
The Old Glory Ruffle Market Tote goes in a completely different direction. It has an American flag design, contrasting red and navy ruffles, and a large white bow.
Both are handmade quilted totes. But they have very different personalities.
If your wife likes vintage-inspired patterns and softer decorative details, one might catch her eye. If she loves patriotic designs and bold accents, the other might be more appealing.
Or she might prefer something completely different.
That's why I'd pay more attention to the colors, patterns, and styles she already enjoys than to whichever bag happens to be your personal favorite.
You're not buying it for yourself.
A Handmade Bag Isn't Automatically the Right Gift
I'm going to say something that might seem strange coming from a guy whose wife makes and sells handmade bags.
Handmade isn't a guarantee that something will be the perfect gift.
A well-made bag still needs to suit the person carrying it.
It should fit her needs, reflect her tastes, and be appropriate for how she intends to use it.
What handmade offers is the opportunity to find something made with individual attention, often in designs you won't see everywhere else.
Patricia chooses her fabrics, prepares her quilting, constructs the bags, and adds the details that make each design her own.
A lot of our pieces are one of a kind.
That's part of what makes them special. But it doesn't eliminate the need to choose thoughtfully.
If you're curious about the work and cost involved, we've also written about why handmade bags aren't necessarily cheap.
When in Doubt, Ask Questions
You don't have to figure everything out on your own.
If you're looking at a handmade quilted tote and aren't sure whether it'll work for your wife, contact the maker.
Ask about the dimensions. Ask about the handles. Ask about pockets or closures. Explain what you're hoping the bag will be used for.
And if your wife has a particular color or fabric she loves, a custom order might be worth discussing.
We offer custom order inquiries, subject to what's practical for Patricia to make and which materials are available.
A few questions before ordering can prevent a disappointing surprise afterward.
A Few Questions Husbands Might Have
Is a quilted tote bag a good gift for my wife?
It can be an excellent gift if the size, design, and features suit her preferences. Start by looking at the types of bags she already uses and whether she enjoys carrying larger totes.
What's the difference between a quilted tote and a regular canvas bag?
Canvas describes a fabric, while quilting involves stitching layers of material together. A quilted tote may have additional padding and structure, depending on its construction. Neither is automatically better for every purpose.
What if I'm not sure which color or pattern she'll like?
Look at the bags and accessories she already chooses. You can also ask someone who knows her tastes well. Guessing is an option, but gathering a little information first tends to make for a more thoughtful gift.
Do handmade quilted totes need special care?
Care requirements depend on the fabrics, batting, decorative trims, and construction. Ask the maker about cleaning instructions rather than assuming the bag is machine washable.
The Best Gift Is One She'll Want to Carry
At the end of the day, buying your wife a tote bag isn't complicated because women are mysterious or because purses are impossible to understand.
It's about paying attention.
What does she like? What does she carry? What kind of bag fits her day-to-day life?
Answer those questions, and you're already making a better decision than somebody who picks the first pretty bag that comes along.
Watching Patricia make her bags has taught me that a lot of thought goes into something most of us would simply call a tote.
I think buying one as a gift deserves a little thought, too.
And if you get it right, you might just earn a few extra husband points.
I'm not making any guarantees about that last part.
Explore Patricia's handmade quilted tote bags at Elam & Co.
Our bags are made in small quantities, so individual designs and availability may change.